The documents say I need to make a change. The calendar says I needed to make a change two months ago, to be sure. The timeline says I have dwindled down to a mere 40 days (give or take) to make good on these promises. So, I have given this alot of thought. That didn’t change things. I prayed. God changed my disposition but I sort of rejected it. More accurately, I didn’t embrace the shift in the winds. I sort of rolled my eyes at the answer to my prayers. I went from a kinky ‘fro to a hot comb press. I have seen two concerts live by some of my favorite artist (Anthony David, Algebra, Chrisette Michelle) which pushed me four inches forward when I need to leap a mile. I have played Koop, Anita Baker, Janet AND Michael Jackson…I got a bit of pep in my step but nothing lasting. I have listened to my wonderful friends encourage me and tell me that things will be fine; that I only need to believe and take action to make this happen and viola! it will. I believe them and need them to continue to believe in me, but none of this was manifesting what I need to address. And what I need to address is that I, Alexandria Patrice Tesfaye Zandria DaughteroftheDiaspora B. MUST not just call out what I want, but take some serious action to manifest all that needs to come forth. Calling it forth is only the first step. I must draw it forth; that means pull, tug, lug, push, drag it to me if need be…and TRUST me..it need be.
So, here is my announcement. I am in tug of war with the life I am existing in versus the life that I want and can have if only I am willing to pull, push, and drag myself to it because I realized that my needs have not moved. My goals have not gotten further away…they are closer in fact. They are sitting there just waiting for me to accomplish them. I have moved away from them, afraid to examine them with the naked eye, steadily searching trying to determine if I have really accomplished anything at all; knowing that with each thorough cavity search, I am not doing what is on the agenda; I am only busy making a mess making an agenda; stalling for time and other magical things when I must create my own magic…and the most magical thing is already inside of me…it is that I know this already.
All I need, I already have possess. So, I will pray again and will actually move in the direction that God is pointing me too; I will listen to myself when I say stop/go/continue/keep it pushing and all other instructional directions of prevention and progress; I will play Brazilian Soul house music to move me through the night; Foreign Exchange for the day. I will send out emails in a timely manner; I will DO the things on my “to do” list; I will seek restoration; I will be renewed. I will write, love, and forgive (probably not in that order). I will respect my own time and demand that others do the same. And the most important statement: I will. Whatever it is that needs to be done, in the next 40 days and in life, I will. That’s it. That’s all.